


Get What You Deserve

by Philomela



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Also a brief attempt at rimming, Alternate Dimensions, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Draco is the Cecil to Harry's Carlos, Found family in a sense, Lucius Malfoy is overworked and never signed up for the shit, M/M, Mentions of a phoenix trying to feed it's owner, Mentions of dead animal carcasses, Moaning Myrtle has gained too much power in this strange land, Radio Host Draco, Station Management Dementors, Thestrals, Welcome to Night Vale shenanigans, a friendly police state, and some sexual congress, but no on screen animal death or torture, even down to the hair thing, you don't actually need to have any familiarity with WTNV to read this btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:35:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24159745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philomela/pseuds/Philomela
Summary: Harry finds himself in a world where Draco Malfoy is the radio host for a government mandated radio show. Things in this world are strange and baffling but no one else seems to care about the creepy Unspeakables doing who-knows-what in the dog park, or the the fact that the birds were obviously government spies and that every house in the country was assigned a pair of Aurors to track their every word and movement.Eventually, he too comes to accept it as his new normal; building a new family and finding love in the soothing voice that speaks to them every day.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	Get What You Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> If you at all enjoy any of the weirdness in this fic, consider popping on over here: [Welcome to Night Vale](http://www.welcometonightvale.com).
> 
> _10/09/20: Typos cleaned up and clarifying punctuation added to that last paragraph._

**[ 1 ]**

Welcome, listeners, to the inaugural broadcast of our brand new radio show. Our society has gone through so many changes and upheavals that it may have been hard to keep up with all that has changed. So, I thought that I would take the time to make sure that we're all on the same page.

I'd like to preface all this by letting you know that what I am about to say is all objective and true and was approved by the Ministry of Magic. The views soon to be expressed here do reflect those held by station management as well as our ministry and was painstakingly written out by the members of our Vague Yet Menacing Government and so it would please us greatly Draco if you do not read this portion of the document aloud... Oh! Oooh. Well. They really should have marked this better to let me know which portions were instructions and which were the parts to be read aloud. Really now. This cannot be blamed on me.

Moving on.

Our illustrious reptilian overlord, Lord Voldemort, leads our Vague Yet Menacing Government in controlling — I mean leading — the citizens of Wizarding Britain. The Ministry of Magic is not a part of the Vague Yet Menacing Government — as they are far from vague and are only vaguely menacing.

Our current elected official is Minister Cornelius Fudge. You all may or may not remember the election that led to his victory. It occurred two weeks ago, in the dead of night, and consisted of agents from the Vague Yet Menacing Government holding a race between birds selected by the candidates. The one picked by Minister Fudge was the first to slam into the windows of the Ministry of Magic, earning him the victory and giving him the right to govern us all — of course, every decision he makes must be approved by our shadowy overlords.

But you already knew that.

Something you may not have known, though, listeners, is that our current minister — whom has only been in office for two weeks so far — has held a record breaking number of press conferences. He is actually listed in the Hall of Records as the sitting minister with the most press conferences in the history of the Ministry of Magic.

I'm sure they have all been informative.

Now, for an important message: [There was a pause of silence to indicate a transition. Then, an ear splitting screech was relayed over the air. It continued on, like rusty nails being dragged over a particularly squeaky chalkboard before cutting off as abruptly as it began.]

Ah yes, the Merfolk of the Black Lagoon just wanted to remind travelers to the area to please refrain from attempting to feed Nessie. Grain and grain by-products are not part of the natural dietary habits of the large reptile and in fact has been causing the poor girl to undergo some upsetting bouts of gastrointestinal distress. She is currently in the Black Lagoon to visit the Mer-city and will be staying for the duration of the month; the denizens of the Black Lagoon are anxious to make a good impression.

I concur. Let's all try and help these Merfolk make a good impression — remember, Nessie is confined to large bodies of water and therefore her opinion of the local Merfolk also extends to the surrounding land-going citizens as well. I, for one, would never let it be said that Draco Malfoy is a bad host and I trust the same goes with all who are listening — which is everyone, as this is a government mandated radio broadcast.

Which reminds me, if you have attempted to silence your wireless or otherwise tried to get out of this obligation, know that representatives from the Auror Department will soon be knocking on your door to bring you into custody as that is a federal offense.

But you already knew that, so shame on you. I hope you'll take the opportunity — during your 14 day mandatory imprisonment in the underground cells of the dog park — to reflect on your actions.

I have been informed, by the piece of parchment that had been slipped under the studio's door by station management that it is now time for our once daily reminder that the dog park is off limits. Do not enter the dog park. Do not look at the dog park. Do not make eye contact with the Unspeakables living in the dog park. Do not try to run if one of these hooded figures chase after you, they are quicker than you will ever be and the chase will only excite them — you do not want to excite them.

And now, listeners, it's time for the weather.

**[ 2 ]**

Harry Potter was now older and wiser than the reckless teenager that threw himself headfirst into danger while at Hogwarts — or so he had thought.

He had been in the Department of Mysteries — which, alright, was already highly suspect as he really had no reason to be there in the first place — and had found himself in the Death Room (or the curtain room as he referred to it in the privacy of his mind). To someone with far more sense than the current iteration of Potter, this already would have been cause for concern and most likely setting off alarm bells in their head — obviously, this was not the case at the present moment.

The wispy cloth — for that was all it was, regardless of the fact that it was fortunate enough to be given the duty to decorate the entrance to a mysterious portal — had seemed to be taunting Harry.

( No, Harry did not want to discuss how an inanimate object that only moved due to the circulation of air within the enclosed room could possibly be capable of taunting anyone, he just knew that it did. )

So Harry walked up onto the platform, intent on giving the cloth a stern talking to when he was suddenly suctioned into the portal behind it — like a dust bunny being hoovered up (the indignity of it all!)

After a rather short transit, in which he had to close his eyes due to the way the flashing lights of colors speeding past triggered a painful migraine, he was unceremoniously dumped on the hard ground outside. With a groan, Harry sat up and took in his surroundings.

There was the arch, with the flapping fabric which taunted him once more before going oddly still, and the crumbled stone remains of old destroyed buildings littered around the area and — oh yeah, the conglomeration of towering hooded figures rapidly approaching him.

He peeked beneath the hoods — which was actually quite easy considering the height differential what with him sprawled on the ground and them standing upright — and noticed a menagerie of animal faces staring back at him; each face looking a bit off from what the average person would normally picture.

The wolves bared teeth that were longer, sharper and more visible — the eyes milky white with amber slit pupils. The deer faces looked a bit too tight, and when one opened its mouth — exposing the tears along its jawline and displaying darkened rotting sinew —, Harry spotted two rows of short, razor sharp teeth. There was also an assembly of cat faced figures, furs dark and disheveled, eyes a bit too human, mouths a bit too big, skin a bit too loose (as if it was pulled on like a mask instead of being the one they were born with).

All the figures were a bit too tall, a bit too fast, and a bit too interested in Harry. So he made the only sensible decision all day and disapparated before they could close the rapidly diminishing distance between them.

**[ 3 ]**

Harry didn't really have a destination in mind when he had disapparated, but he was thankful all the same that there was a Godric's Hollow in this strange land and that his magic had been clever enough to take him there. Walking along the cobblestone paths, he was starting to appreciate just how strange this new land was — and he was absolutely sure that he was in another universe, because while everything looked vaguely familiar, there were some very odd differences. Like the fact that there were tents pitched outside of each house in this village, a pair of omnioculars peeking through the flaps and aimed at the front windows which all strangely had their curtains pulled back, allowing an unobstructed view to the strange voyeurs.

And then there were the crows. They moved leisurely through the air, occasionally dipping down to hover in front of the unobstructed window of a house, where they stayed for many minutes before leaving and doing the same to the next house over.

As he made his way up the path to a familiar house, one of the men from the tent stationed in front of this particular house waved him over. Harry, not knowing what else to do, made his way over to the gesticulating man to see what he wanted — he looked harmless enough anyway.

"Hey kid. We see you're going up to our house here." The man that was speaking to him was wearing a fox mask — though this was obviously a mask, however attractive, and nothing like the uncanny animal faces on those hooded figures in the park he had first appeared in.

"Yes?"

"Would you mind letting them know that the front curtain is closed? Makes it hard to see into the house," he explained and Harry supposed that it made sense and so agreed to the request before continuing on up to the house and knocking gently on the front door.

He wasn't quite sure what he expected — a perfectly normal magical family that Harry had never met before perhaps? — but that was not what the universe delivered to him.

He stared up at the tall figure of James Potter — Harry never knew his father had been so tall, everyone had failed to mention that — with wide eyes magnified even larger behind the lens of the glasses that dwarfed his face.

"Um," Harry began, remembering the task he had agreed to just moments before. "That man in the tent wanted me to tell you that your front curtains are closed." James — some other James, not his father — stared at him curiously.

"They said it makes it hard to look in," Harry explained and received a nod of understanding in return.

"Of course, of course. Want to come in?" James asked and Harry followed him into the house, shocked that it had been that easy. No questions, no suspicion, no door slammed into his face after relaying the message; not exactly how he expected this to go when he originally accepted the task.

As the door closed behind him, Harry heard James call out, "Hey Pads, stop closing the curtains! You know Steve can't see in otherwise!" James turned back to Harry to explain that Steve was the man in the tent that had spoken to Harry, before moving over to said window and pulling the curtains back. When Harry looked outside, he saw the man — Steve — give him a thumbs up and Harry reflexively returned the gesture with a small smile.

"What's your name, kiddo?" James asked, as he led Harry further into the house into a room filled with familiar people.

"Harry." Harry responded, not even thinking to lie.

"Hey guys, we got another extra-dimensional traveler here." Harry did a double take at the announcement.

"Were you a Potter in your dimension?" The woman who was Lily, but not his mother, asked kindly.

"That obvious?" He asked, relieved that this was all going so smoothly.

"No hiding that, I'm afraid," said Sirius, who was not his godfather, with a laugh. "Though you are rather short. Most Potters like to tower."

"Must have skipped me," Harry said with a pout, not having known that particular characteristic before and now feeling annoyed that he hadn't inherited that specific trait. "You guys are taking this all rather well, by the way." Harry said, intending it as praise but knowing that some of that was tempered with shock and a liberal sprinkle of suspicion.

"Would be a bit hypocritical of us, otherwise. None of us are originally from around here," Remus said from beside Sirius, sounding just as sensible as his old school teacher.

"Oh."

"Yeah, me and Lils were the first to stumble in. We were fighting Voldemort in the Ministry of Magic back in our dimension and somehow got pushed through the veil and ended up here." James explained, moving to take the seat beside his wife.

"It was a definite shock adjusting to this reality," Lily admitted, most likely in an attempt to reassure Harry. Harry appreciated the gesture and smiled in return.

"Me and Remmy here," Sirius began, wrapping an arm around Remus' waist and tugging him in close to his body. "We were on a top secret mission in the Department of Mysteries and got a bit lost and found ourselves near that veil. Then an Unspeakable appeared out of no where, scared the shit right out of us and before we knew it we were falling headfirst into the psychedelic acid trip beyond the veil." Remus shook his head in exasperation at Sirius' explanation but didn't object to any of the details.

"I honestly have no idea why I was in the department of mysteries to begin with — maybe I was just bored? But I could have sworn that stupid curtain was taunting me so I walked right up to it, intending to give it a stern talking to and then I was hoovered right in." Harry offered when it was his turn.

They all sat in silence, staring at each other, until Harry couldn't fight the words that were fighting to break free.

"I know that you aren't my parents (he gestured to James and Lily), or my godfather (he pointed to Sirius) or my former teacher slash father figure (he looked at Remus), but I'm glad I got to see you guys again." Harry knew his face was bright red — it always did that whenever he was emotional — and had to turn his gaze down towards the floor once he said his piece. So he was surprised when he was dogpiled by four adults that individually outweighed him almost 2:1 and were now close to breaking Harry's ribs under their combined weight.

"Aw, prongslet," Sirius cooed.

"Don't worry, bambi. We'll adopt you," James reassured, his voice sounding choked with emotion.

"I never did get a chance to have a kid back home, so I'll welcome this opportunity," Lily said, voice soft and gentle and everything Harry had imagined back when he was a child dreaming of such things.

"I've never been a formal teacher, but I can certainly step in to be a responsible role model for you," Remus said, voice hesitant in direct contrast to the firm grip he had on Harry.

Once they all separated, allowing Harry to gather himself and dry the tears that had welled in his eyes, James stepped towards the fireplace.

"We should invite Albus and Gellert over — they're also from another dimension. Oh! And the Weasley's. They actually are from around here, but we've grown quite fond of them." Before James could toss the floo powder in to summon all the people he'd listed though, a tinny voice appeared to come from the bowl of fruit placed in the middle of the room.

"Um, this is embarrassing. But I didn't quite catch all of that. Would you guys mind moving closer to the microphone and repeating the last 2 minutes worth so that I can properly transcribe it?" Harry looked at his new family in alarm, wondering what to make of the fact that the house was apparently bugged and that someone had been listening to everything that they had said.

Sirius grabbed Harry by the waist and pulled him back on the couch, settling Harry between him and Remus.

"You'll eventually get used to it, kiddo," Sirius reassured, ruffling his hair.

"They all mean well," Remus offered with a kind smile, referring to the men that were apparently assigned to observe the house.

"Which reminds me, I need to bring out their lunch soon," Lily said, standing to make her way to wherever she had been keeping said food.

"Oh! Could you possibly include some of that pie you made last time?" The tinny voice called out, coming once again from the fruit bowl — Harry thinks it was from the pineapple, the most suspect of fruits — sounding embarrassed at the request.

"Of course, David. Make sure to share some with Steve this time. I know you ate his slice yesterday," Lily scolded, hands on her hips and in full view of the front window so that the men could see her disapproving figure through their omnioculars.

"Things are very different here, but you'll get used to it," James said, unable to stifle his laugh at the look on Harry's face as he witnessed the exchange.

"Well, I suppose I don't really have a choice, now do I?" Harry snorted, before blushing as he realized that he'd unintentionally sassed his not-original-but-now-sorta-adopted-father. The fond look he got in return made him feel warm and went a long way in endearing this very odd world to Harry.

**[ 4 ]**

Good morning listeners. I hope you've had as productive a morning as I have! Now, I know that we all awoke at the same time — because the daily morning howl has been scheduled for the same time every day for as long as I can remember — but I also know that some of you have been climbing back into bed right after. Don't try to deny it. Your assigned Auror's have already reported as such to the Ministry of Magic in their weekly briefs.

You also know this. And yet...

But never mind you. I want to talk about me, because as soon as I finished my morning howl, I came into the studio this morning only to find out that station management was requesting a meeting. Anyone who has been listening to this show for long — which is all of you, because you don't really have any other choice now do you? — knows that station management prefers to keep to themselves and rarely makes an appearance. This wasn't exactly how they imagined their retirement to go, managing a radio show — I mean, what would a group of dementors know about management anyway? Up until now they had been floating around Azkaban, feeding when they got hungry, sleeping when they felt tired (if they ever tired) and just generally lazing about and living a life free from all responsibilities. And now they have to put together weekly schedules and do payroll and have regular meetings with representatives from our Vague Yet Menacing Government to approve my scripts before we go on air? Could you imagine the struggle of that? — and I can sympathize with them because to be quite honest, this isn't how I had imagined my post-Hogwarts life to go as well, but again I digress...

The interns and I all drew a lot and I am sad to announce that intern Mira had been chosen as the representative.

To the friends and family of intern Mira: I am deeply sorry for your loss. Know that Mira was an asset to this radio show and that even though she always made my coffee wrong and was kind of a downer what with all the trembling and screaming and crying, she still pulled her weight around here and I want you to know that she will be dearly missed here at our little community radio show.

So, when station management returned Mira to the studio room, with their instructions pinned to her soulless husk, I had to sift through quite a lot of instructions and memos and let me tell you, I do not enjoy reading before the sun has risen.

Anyway, I now have to read some notices from the government representative — this does not include any information that Minister Fudge may wish to share, mind you, as he has his daily press conference still scheduled for later in the afternoon.

So let's see here. It looks like someone had been spotted in the dog park yesterday — Really now? Didn't I take the time to go over the rules regarding that on the broadcast? Tsk tsk — and had managed to escape without any injuries, thankfully. The Unspeakables are understandably very upset about this occurrence and have written to their liaison with the government requesting that the figure be returned so that they can study him in greater detail. It appears that he is yet another traveler from another dimension — which is my cue to once again remind everyone that of course there is no such thing as other dimensions. This reality is the only reality you need; it's the one you were born into and it is the one you will die in. The existence of other realities is a myth. Like the existence of mountains. You've never seen a mountain, now have you? Admit it. No, please, lean into the microphone placed in your homes so that your assigned agent can record you denying the existence of mountains. I shall patiently wait in order to give you enough time.

[Draco pauses, mentally counting to 10 as he knows that would provide the most appropriate amount of time]

Now, it seems that — oh dear. I don't know how I'm supposed to relay this next part. Hmm. Well, I suppose we'll just have to bleep out the portions that are supposed to be redacted.

Now, it seems that this [BEEP!] appeared in Godric's Hollow where he met up with [BEEP!], [BEEP!], [BEEP!], and [BEEP!]. If you'll recall, the existence of those four individuals was reported by Old Lady Bagshot some months back, before our illustrious reptilian overlord took the time out of his very busy schedule to personally deny their existence and remind us that anyone who acknowledged their existence would be sent for re-education in the dog park. Well, it seems this new individual is now staying at the home of the four people that most definitely do not exist.

According to David and Steve, the agents that were assigned to monitor the house — in order to continue to verify that these individuals in fact do not exist —, the newcomer is quite attractive if you like the short, waif-like figures with brilliant emerald eyes magnified by circular glasses too large for their small face and framed by a head of thick lustrous raven hair. The agents were kind enough to attach a picture to their missive and I do have to say that I agree with their assessment. It's a very niche look to be interested in, but those eyes are positively mesmerizing even from a photograph, and oh dear, that hair... most definitely lustrous. I bet you could just sink your fingers into it...

[A sigh is heard as Draco trails off]

**[ 5 ]**

Harry raised an eyebrow as he listened to the voice that most definitely belonged to a version of Draco Malfoy gush over his photo on a government mandated radio broadcast.

"So," Harry said, turning back to his new family (which now also included Albus Dumbledore and his lover Gellert Grindelwald who had stopped by just after the morning howl — which was something that Harry only vaguely remembered as he had been pulled along half-asleep by a too excited Sirius and Remus to take part in the obligatory morning ritual) and ignoring the suggestive grins sent his way.

"When he said reptilian overlord—"

"Voldemort," Albus replied cheerily as he focused on knitting a pair of thick and garishly colored socks.

"And the Vague Yet Menacing Government?" Harry could practically feel the capitalization in the words.

"Death Eater inner circle," Gellert supplied helpfully before returning to snuggling into Albus' side (which was a sight that Harry didn't think a million lifetimes would have prepared him for).

"I've heard that Lucius is actually in charge of most things. It is a lot of paperwork," Remus offered.

"But then the ministry?"

"Just for show. Keeps everyone happy that there's a local government to complain to," James explained, shrugging his shoulders. "The Ministry's mostly harmless. The Aurors are completely benign. The only thing I can think to complain about is the press conferences. Entirely too many of them since Fudge took over."

"The Unspeakables?"

"Definitely not benign. Stay away," Lily warned, shivering. "They wear those creepy animal masks and live in the dog park — which is also off limits, by the way, probably because that's where the Unspeakables are so I'm not going to complain too much about that."

"It's also where they have the re-education camps. Which the Unspeakables are in charge of," Sirius said, looking uncomfortable at the thought.

"You sound like you're talking from experience?" Harry watched as Sirius shifted guiltily in his seat, seeming to try and hide behind his lover who was just smirking in amusement.

"James took Padfoot for a walk in the dog park. They had stupidly assumed that the name meant that it was for people to walk their dogs. It was not. They had to go into re-education, which apparently consisted of just writing lines repeatedly every day for two weeks." Remus explained, sounding amused by the experience.

"Those masks are horrifying. I think they pulled them fresh from the animals," Sirius whispered, shuddering in horror. Harry thought back to his own inspections and had a feeling that Sirius might actually be right — yuck.

"And what's this about the dementors being retired from Azkaban?"

"Oh yeah. Voldemort shut it down—" James started before being cut off by Grindelwald.

"He actually completely destroyed it. Did away with prisons entirely. That's when he came up with the idea for the re-education camps."

"Huh." Harry honestly didn't know how to feel about that. On the one hand — the destruction of Azkaban was great. On the other hand, it was Voldemort that did it. And he suspected the re-education camps could qualify as cruel and unusual punishment which (if Harry remembered correctly) were against human rights or something.

"Oh! And the redactions from the broadcast?" Harry remembered the series of beeps that had covered up each of their names.

"Oh yeah. So apparently our counterparts in this world are dead. Voldemort was not happy when he found us here. Course we promised that we'd play nice, so he just threw his hands up and declared his only press conference where he issued a blanket denial of all of us. You're not supposed to acknowledge that we exist at all." Harry thought about that, and had some more questions.

"Practically speaking?"

"No difference. We go into town, do the shopping, talk to the neighbors and the government workers. Draco just has to periodically remind everyone that we technically don't exist according to the government. Like mountains." Lily said with a small laugh at the last bit.

"Like mountains." Harry echoed. "Wait, what does Voldemort have against mountains?" He wondered aloud, but it seemed he had finally stumped his odd family as they all shrugged before suggesting that it was time for dinner.

**[ 6 ]**

Good morning listeners! I hope everyone has been having as fantastic a week as I have. Oh, who am I kidding, you possibly couldn't.

Now you may be asking yourselves, "how are you sure about that, Draco? Maybe I had a spectacular week that blew yours out of the water? You don't know me". And that's where I'll have to remind you that you may not know me but I do know you. Of course I only know you the way that you exist in the eyes of your Ministry assigned Aurors and how their individual brains choose to interpret what they see and hear from your homes as you go about your lives before condensing it all down into a weekly report that they submit to the Ministry. Those reports don't tell me how you feel (unless you're the type to actually talk about that kind of stuff, and if that's you, then congratulations. That's wonderful). The reports don't contain the version of you as you perceive yourself.

But then we come to THE question: who are we really? What makes us us? Is it our flesh and bones and the parents that came together to donate parts of their genetic material to create the wholly new being that is you? Is that all you are? The culmination of years and years of intercourse? Are we our families? Or is it the thoughts and feelings that you have? Though they change at the drop of a hat, and have been fluctuating your whole life — though we're told by the Board of Medicine at St. Mungos that that's normal. All people change as they go through life. So, is it then our experiences that makes us who we are? The things we've lived through and the things we've said and done with other people who participated in those moments with you?

Listeners, that's not a question I can answer for you. But if you're having trouble figuring out who you are, the Unspeakables have assured me that given the time and appropriate resources, they can help you figure out what you are made of — physically, at least — for no charge at all. And sometimes, that's what matters. Our physical form, because that is the conduit through which we experience everything around us.

It is because of my eyes, this physical structure that allows me to process information visually, that I was able to see for myself just how thick and lustrous our new resident's hair really was. And listeners, the pictures and descriptions do not do it justice. There's just so much of it, and it's so tempting, to sink your hands in it and tug and find out if it's as soft as it looks.

Of course, I didn't do that. It would have been much too forward for a first meeting. But I did imagine it, and that's okay, because the Ministry has not yet figured out how to efficiently prosecute thought crimes. So, until that day comes, I will continue to live my best life in my mind and I recommend you do the same.

**[ 7 ]**

Harry knew his face was so bright and red that it could give any of the Weasley children a run for their money and that was not something any member of said family was used to — so known for their particular shade of red as they were.

"Wow, Harrikins," One of the twins said. Harry thought it might be Fred because Fred tended to hand out annoying pet names like candy on Halloween. "I never noticed, but I guess it's true." He finished, which was something different about the Weasley twins of this dimension — they tended to finish their own sentences, instead of going for the back and forth his own twins reveled in.

"Such luster! Much soft!" George fawned mockingly, reaching out a trembling hand to cautiously caress the ends of Harry's hair before turning to faint in his twin’s arm.

"Well?" Fred prompted, shaking his twin’s collapsed body. "How was it? As good as the rumors?"

"Better," George said in awe before the twins broke down laughing, leaning on each other for support as they could hardly stand straight from the force of the wheezes wracking their bodies.

"Draco's just fixated because he spends so much time on his own hair every morning." Harry jumped at the feeling of ice crawling up his spine as Myrtle made her presence known.

"Merlin Myrtle! Warn me next time!" Harry whined, holding a hand over his heart and glaring at Ron and Ginny who hadn't bothered to use their previously agreed on signals for when Myrtle decided to pay them a visit.

"I'm sorry," She said looking down in an attempt to look apologetic, but Harry could see the sly unrepentant smile on her lips.

"How'd you know that about Draco anyways?" Harry asked, as he angled himself so that he was half hidden behind Ginny (who was not amused at being used as a shield and threw him a dirty look and made sure to grind the heel of her foot on his exposed toes).

"Oh I keep forgetting that you're new," Myrtle said, with that fake-apologetic tone. Ron rolled his eyes from behind her, knowing full well that she didn't forget — it was why she was practically targeting Harry to begin with.

"I'm everywhere, at once. People tend to forget about me, they always did even when I was alive. But now I can steal a sock here, a hair tie there, or stick a spider on someone's face while they're sleeping (Ron shuddered as she aimed that last remark at him, because of course she saw the way he had rolled his eyes, she had eyes in the back of her head as he really should have known). Sometimes I'll trip them down the stairs, make their coffee a little too hot, hide their keys, slash their tires, message their ex while they're off taking a shower. You know, little things to get back at them." Myrtle rattled off, causing Harry to feel increasingly worried about this new Myrtle that had the freedom that his confined-to-an-abandoned-bathroom one hadn't. Quite frankly, it was terrifying.

"Anyway, I'm in everyone’s home, all at once. So I see things. Like how Draco spends roughly an hour getting his hair just right even though he knows that no one will see because he's a faceless voice on a government mandated radio show. It's odd," She said, eyes going distant. "How similar we are. Both present everywhere at once, just voices to speak and bodies to cause some chaos, but no faces to be remembered by." Myrtle seemed to have talked herself into one of her depressive episodes as her voice trailed off and her body began to blur until they could no longer make out her form.

They all stood there for a minute, holding their breaths as they tried to figure out if Myrtle had left to focus on another house for the moment, or if she was still present but just invisible. Ron decided to volunteer (more like, was made to stumble forward by the sheer force of Ginny's shove to his back) to walk through where they had previously seen Myrtle and reported that the coast was clear when he couldn't find a cold spot that usually gave her presence away.

"Completely off topic, but why are the Weasley's technically non-existant? Legally speaking?" Harry asked, the thought popping randomly to mind. "I mean, you guys are native to this dimension, right?"

"Yes," Ginny huffed, hands on her hips and reminding Harry a bit of Molly Weasley though he made sure to keep that opinion to himself. "We were born here. This is the only dimension we know. But, and I'm supposing this is true in every other dimension, there's a feud between the Malfoys and Weasleys.” Harry sighed heavily and nodded to let them know that that particular detail was in fact universal across many dimensions. "So, since Lucius Malfoy is technically the one in charge of the shadow government, he added us to the list of things that legally don't exist."

"There's a list?" Harry asked, not knowing why he would be surprised by such a thing.

"Yes, though it's quite short and quite confusing," Ron replied before rattling off the other occupants on the exclusive list. "Your parents, Sirius, Remus, Albus, Grindelwald, the Peverells, the Flamels, unicorns, narwhals, both the mammalian Herpestidae and Galidiinae families (because mongooses), phoenixes, fairies, thestrals, puffskeins, mountains, the concept of time, and Wednesday specifically."

"I'm sorry, did you just say that legally both Wednesday, specifically, and the concept of time,generally, do not exist according to the government?" Harry was sure that this particular version of Voldemort was quite possibly a child, denying the existence of things that he either feared or did not like.

"He also tried to make parchment, ink, quills, and the concept of writing illegal as well," Fred said reminding the others of that particular moment in time.

"What happened?" Harry asked, curious as to what prevented those items to be spared the non-existent designation.

"Lucius put up a big stink. Staged a strike. Had a public meltdown outside the Ministry Building and threatened to quit and leave all the paperwork to Voldemort himself if he went through with it."

"You guys happen to have a memory of it?" Harry asked hopefully.

In a room of Weasleys he was not to be disappointed.

**[ 8 ]**

Harry was feeling bored one day. He knew it was inevitable. He had been here so long that it was only inevitable that he would acclimate to his new dimension and begin viewing its quirks as just part of the normal backdrop of daily life in Wizarding Britain under a Lord Voldemort that had contented himself with being a very silly Lord of the British Isles.

Sometimes purple glowing clouds would form over the dog park before spreading out over the island, tossing hail the size of quaffle balls; sometimes they would drop dead animal carcasses, though thankfully they were only small animals — rats, rabbits, small cats and dogs. Harry couldn't imagine the damage that could have been caused by something like a dragon carcass being dropped on Diagon Alley.

And sometimes when venturing out to Diagon Alley, Harry would get lost and end up in the barista quarter and have to quickly find shelter before he could get caught up in the turf wars between the snarling werewolf packs that inhabited the area.

Other times, he would thoughtlessly enter Knockturn Alley, and have to fend himself against the allures used by the vampires that wanted to use him for a quick meal.

He had even accepted that the public libraries (which were a delightful addition to Wizarding society in Harry's opinion) were now staffed with banshees rallied under the ruthless leadership of the Grey Lady who now went by Charlotte. Of course, now the punishments for late book returns and property damage were more deadly, but overall the fact that Magical London even had a public library at all was considered an improvement.

He still hadn't explored the screaming forest — for obvious reasons — but that, along with the dog park and the Ministry Building were areas that he was content to leave for the future when he was feeling a modicum more suicidal or reckless than he currently was.

Instead, he had found a thestral wandering the streets of Godric's Hollow and bribed it all the way home with the bag of apples that Lily had sent him to the market for. Of course, she had scolded him when he had handed over a half-empty sack, but apparently the thestral was too cute and she quickly deflated under his large doleful eyes.

So now, Harry was lounging in his bedroom, one sleepy thestral curled up beside him, half-heartedly nibbling on the apple in Harry's hand whenever he roused from his nap.

Remus and Sirius were outside trying to convince their assigned Ministry agents to film the two having sex (which was well outside their usual duties) but it seemed that the couple had a pretty effective bribe that they were sure would help their case.

Albus and Gellert had decided to spend the day at the beach; the Weasley's all had a family thing going on; and James was keeping Lily company. So Harry was left alone to amuse himself.

Which is why he had the absolutely brilliant idea to reach out to another person he knew would also be lonely and would even appreciated Harry reaching out to them. With an excited grin, Harry picked up the ivory receiver that was placed in each of the rooms of the house and requested the agent on the other side to connect him to the radio tower.

Faintly, he heard Draco interrupting the mind-numbing story he had been reading to patch in their latest caller.

"Hey, Draco," Harry purred, because he had spent day after day listening to the way that Draco talked about him and at least was confident that his attentions would very much be welcome.

"H-Harry!" He heard the echo from the wireless still playing in the background and briefly thought about silencing it but then remembered that broadcast from ages ago in which Malfoy himself had warned against that exact action and so aborted that plan and decided to put up with it for the time being.

"I was just sitting here in my room, alone because everyone else in this house is too busy to spend time with me, and then I heard your lovely voice and realized that you might be interested in what I had to say."

"Lovely voice?" The normally silky voice cracked and squeaked as he repeated the compliment that Harry had snuck in without much thought (it was true. Otherwise, Draco probably would have quickly been replaced with a more radio-friendly voice, regardless of his father's position — or more likely because of his fathers position since even he had to listen to these broadcasts every single day like the rest of the magical British population).

"Of course. It really is very pleasant to listen to, which is great, because we have to listen to you talking quite a bit," Harry explained. "Anyway, hey listen, this morning I was out walking into town because Lily" — a loud beep blocked out her name on the wireless, but Harry knew that Draco could hear the words unredacted. "Anyway, she sent me into town to buy a bag of apples for some project or other, she's probably making a bunch of pies which is the new thing she's gotten into. Anyway I bought those apples and had every intention of bringing them all home, but then I came across this gorgeous thestral (BEEP!) and just couldn't leave the poor girl outside. So I bribed her with some of the apples and brought her home. She just has the biggest, most sorrowful eyes you'd ever see on an animal, let alone a thestral (BEEP!). So now she's sleeping near me and it's very cute. I wish I could show you."

Harry heard the sigh over the receiver.

"Oh that would be lovely," Draco said, voice gone soft and breathy and Harry wasn't too embarrassed to admit that his body definitely reacted to that.

"So I was wondering, would you like to grab dinner with me? Sometime?" When he heard no response, Harry rushed to add in "No pressure if you're not all that interested. I just thought that I'd like to get to know you better. The real you, not the radio personality you." Merlin, he was blushing so hard he thought he would self-combust from all the blood pooling into his face.

"I would love to." Draco finally responded, sounding shocked and excited and as if he wasn’t quite sure if any of this was real.

"Great! We can meet [BEEP!]." Harry grinned as he heard the station bleep out all of the details. He made a mental note to send that intern a gift. Maybe a protection amulet? It always sounded as if being a radio intern was a pretty dangerous job, so it would certainly be useful.

But none of that mattered at the moment, because Harry had a date with Draco Malfoy tomorrow and he honestly couldn't wait to meet this new Draco that he didn't have any weird baggage with.

**[ 9 ]**

Of course, since he had propositioned a radio host over a government mandated radio broadcast, the entire house was very up to date with the latest development.

Sirius helped him get dressed, even letting Harry borrow his beloved leather jacket, while Remus dabbed some of his own cologne in specific locations on Harry's skin — only mumbling that less was more and that placement was everything. James, Merlin bless him, actually slipped a mortified Harry a packet of condoms and some lube, and Lily made him take a commemorative photo. He knew that everyone in that room fully expected that he would be fucking Draco that night (or the opposite, which was what Harry was secretly hoping for) and wouldn't be returning until the next morning and it was so embarrassing. But it also made him feel so warm inside, in a very fuzzy and familial way, knowing that he got to go through this experience with these people even if they weren't his original family.

He disapparated, to meet Draco with conflicting emotions.

He looked up and took in the fairy lights (which somehow managed to sneak past the acknowledgment ban), the soft music playing in the background, and the way everyone was dressed. It was this last bit that had Harry falter, suddenly feeling self-conscious and severely underdressed. But then Draco was at his side, smiling softly and guiding Harry to their reserved table and before he knew it, they were sat across each other in a private corner, legs close but not quite touching yet. Harry took note of that before focusing on the vision of Draco — hair soft and silky and falling naturally into his eyes softening the sharp angles of his face and just generally giving off a very different vibe than the counterpart that Harry had been more familiar with. But this was good — it was different and that made everything easier, because Harry could treat this Draco as his own person and it wouldn't be quite so hard.

"You look great," Harry complimented, meaning it. He enjoyed the flush that climbed up Draco's cheeks, noticing that it started from below the mandarin collar Draco had chosen for the evening and that only made Harry wonder if he would be able to see more later on.

"You look amazing," Draco breathed out, eyes raking over him greedily and Harry couldn't help but preen at the attention.

"So, tell me about you. Who is Draco Malfoy when he's not the voice keeping us company every day?" Harry asked casually as he took a sip of the white wine that Draco had picked. It was perfectly suited to Harry's taste and Harry let Draco know that immediately, enjoying the pleased look he was able to get in return.

"I'm glad you find such comfort in my broadcasts," Draco said, sipping his own wine and buying time as he thought over the question. "It's interesting that you ask that, considering —"

"Your monologue on the topic. I remember," Harry cut in smoothly, smiling sweetly at his date, who looked pleased instead of angry at the interruption. "I loved how you so easily broke it down, presenting the different angles to the audience before pulling back and letting us decide how we wanted to answer that question. So, in perfect confidence between two people trying to get to know one another, which view spoke the most to you?" Harry stretched his legs out then, letting them brush against Draco's beneath the table, allowing the contact to stay and enjoying the heat from where their legs met.

"Our memories and experiences make us who we are — that's what I believe," Draco finally offered, pale blue eyes peeking up at him through lowered lashes, waiting, assessing, cautious after he had offered that bit of honesty to the other.

"How delightful!" Harry chirped, reaching out a hand to intertwine their fingers atop the table. "So do I. So, can I interest you in making some new memories tonight?" Harry asked, not even trying to be subtle because honestly that just wasn't him and Draco should know that now.

"Please," Draco whispered, his voice tremulous and on the cusp of becoming a whimper. Harry looked at their plates, barely touched though their wine glasses had certainly not been ignored. Figuring it all evened out, he left a generous tip and then stood and all but dragged Draco out of the restaurant.

"Your place. Please. Too many people at mine," Harry whispered, as he pulled Draco in close, enjoying the way he could rest his head on Draco's chest while the blonde nodded and apparated them straight into the bedroom.

Their lips met in hesitant brushes at first, gaining confidence with each swipe until they were sure that the other wouldn't run away if they became a little forceful. A tongue slipped into one mouth, exploring the unique contours before coaxing its partner into a dance. Someone moaned, as hands began wandering, stripping off clothing and sliding against naked skin. Draco moaned as Harry pulled away to kiss a trail down his neck and into the crook of his neck where he sunk his teeth. Harry felt Draco slip his hand into his hair — as he'd imagined out loud for all of Wizarding Britain to hear — and tugged at the strands in encouragement, rutting his hips as he gasped out for more.

Somehow they managed to make it to the bed, any remaining articles of clothing stripped quickly and urgently until they could only feel bare skin sliding against another. Harry took control quickly, pushing Draco facedown into the mattress and positioning him with his knees bent and spread, back bent and that beautiful pert arse tempting him.

Harry quickly made sure Draco was okay with the direction things were going before leaning in and sinking his teeth into the soft flesh in his hands. He pulled back and lapped at the bruised skin in apology before working his way inward. Spreading those pale cheeks aside, Harry exposed his target, enjoying Draco's whimpers before leaning in and gently nibbling along the raised ridges before moving in, working Draco open with fingers and tongue until he was a moaning, writhing mess begging Harry to let him come. Harry thought about fucking Draco and the thought was so tempting, but he had had a plan before he left the house and he was going to see it through. With a mournful sigh, he teased the reddened hole one last time before turning Draco around to face him, and smiling reassuringly when he saw the confused look on the blonde's face.

"Sorry, but all I could think about tonight was having you inside me, so let me be a little selfish and then I'll make it up to you?" Harry asked, ready to beg if Draco was undecided. Luckily Draco didn't even seem that bothered by the suggestion, though that might have had more to do with the sight of Harry preparing himself atop of him, but small victories and all that.

When he figured he was as prepared as he could stand to be, he lined himself up and slowly allowed himself to take Draco inside him. As he slowly inched down, feeling that cock stretching him open each step of the way, he realized that it was even better than he had expected and that was wonderful. Once he was fully seated, he looked up at Draco and felt himself melt as he saw the way the other man tried to stay still and allow Harry to dictate the pace.

"You can move now," Harry prompted. "Fuck me nice and hard." He continued, wanting to be sure that Draco wouldn't hold back on account of this being their first time together. Harry needn't have worried though, as Draco flipped them over to get better leverage before pounding into him with deep thrusts that Harry just knew he would still be feeling the next day. And then Draco, the absolute dick, would break the pace to tease him with agonizingly slow thrusts, dragging his cock out of Harry inch by inch, making sure the brunette could feel every stretch and slide until Harry dug his heels in and clawed his fingers into Draco's shoulder in retaliation because he had been so close goddamn it. Draco took pity on him — or maybe he was just as close — and bent Harry in half, changing the angle just so and now Harry was babbling and incoherent and Draco was tugging his throbbing cock erratically until they both finally crested.

Harry groaned as Draco collapsed on him, though he enjoyed the weight enough to allow it for a few more minutes before pushing the other off of him. Repositioning themselves, Harry muttered a quick cleaning charm, before curling into Draco's chest.

"I get your ass next time," he muttered, only faintly registering the chuckle from Draco before they both fell asleep.

**[ 10 ]**

Well listeners, I hope you have all been doing well.

For once, all my interns have made it to the end of the week unharmed and I think that's cause enough for celebration — oh, wait. Intern Sophia is trying to tell me something.

[ Draco squints at the writing on the board held up behind the glass ]

Oh. It appears that we are missing one intern, intern Logan who had been assigned to this weeks piece on the dog park.

To the friends of family of intern Logan: he was a much treasured member of the team and his presence and work ethic will be missed. Might I also suggest a closed casket funeral? I don't suppose the Unspeakables are going to be able to contain their excitement enough to try and preserve Logan's general frame.

In other, more light hearted news: guess who has a boyfriend?! That's right, me!

Well, I'm sure some of the listeners out there may have also just found themselves a significant other with which to share their lives with and I would like to congratulate those of you who have done so. That said, I'm absolutely certain that whoever you managed to scrounge up wouldn’t be able to hold a candle to [BEEP!]. Does your lover [BEEP!] and [BEEP!] while tugging onto your [BEEP!] just a little too hard, well not too hard, just enough to make it a bit difficult to breathe and for your head to go light and to make the [BEEP!] just that much better. I bet they don't, because they're not [BEEP!]. [BEEP!] is perfect in every way, even the way that he likes to bite me wherever he can reach and leave all those lovely little marks near my [BEEP!] and [BEEP!]. I don't mind. Even if it does always look like I just got ganged up on by a flock in Knockturn Alley. But all the blood is very much still in my veins, though they tend to hang around in my [BEEP!] most of the time these days.

I am now being slipped a piece of paper by station management pleading with me to stop talking about my perfect boyfriend and how much I loved it when he [BEEP!] me all night last night until I was incoherent. They say that it's not a suitable topic for a mandatory government broadcast as little children have been forced to hear my redacted, but still entirely too inappropriate spiel.

And to those little children, all I have to say is that you don't need to worry about the redacted details from just moments before. Just know that I love him and am loved in turn and I only hope that you could be even half as lucky as I am at this moment. Even with a group of dementors hovering outside of the booth, silently seething and trying to telepathically kill me through the glass; even as the [BEEP!] that [BEEP!] had convinced me to adopt, because it was apparently really cute and cuddly, attempts to regurgitate food into my unsuspecting mouth every morning when I'm still defenseless, resulting in my having now unwittingly swallowed one too many portions of half-digested silk worms for my comfort; even as we are currently being terrorized by an army of teleporting jade statues slowing kidnapping your fellow citizens to turn into statues to add to their numbers and even as the Unspeakables have been let out of the dog park to somehow combat the menace of the jade army and turn our lovely city into a bloody mess as they allow their purple glow cloud to carelessly rain down hippogriff carcasses — yes, even with all this happening outside the safety of the walls of my radio tower, I am happy.

As I leave you now, in the middle of all this chaos, I hope you can find your own little slice of joy in this clusterfuck of a world we live in.

**Author's Note:**

> Harry listened in horror as his lover went into graphic detail of their bedroom activities while he was trying to have breakfast with his family. Remus was grinning and waggling an eyebrow suggestively (something decidedly un-Remus like, except this Remus had absorbed too many of Sirius' mannerisms so maybe it did indeed fit). Sirius was recoiling in pretend horror, dramatically gasping as he picked up his plate of grapefruit and tried to hide it from Harry's view ("Right in front of my grapefruit?! Shame!"). James and Lily seemed to have gone selectively deaf as they continued talking to each other, asking after the others plans for the day as they carefully cut into their sausage and eggs, never once looking over in Harry's general vicinity. 
> 
> Albus and Gellert were not holding to any pretense at all, and somehow that was even worse. The two wizards that had naturally stepped in to fill the void of grandparents in their new family instead only looked at Harry with raised brows and fond chuckles. Gellert seemed particularly keen on the broadcast, in a way he had never been before that day; eyes widening and head tilted in thought at some of the details revealed. Harry had never given it much thought (because he had never thought that this Draco Malfoy would have been just unhinged enough to go on such an explicit monologue on air where anyone could hear), but the fact that everyone had to use their imagination to fill in the redacted bits made the whole situation even worse.
> 
> For a moment, Harry honestly considered apparating into London, preferring to face the small Jade army and the unleashed Unspeakables than spend another moment at the breakfast table burning in a specific type of embarrassment that he had never thought he would have had the opportunity to feel. He supposed the silver lining was that at least in this world, he had found a family that allowed him to have such a moments as this. 
> 
> "Right in front of my grapefruit, Remmy! Why, I never! No one needs to be learning about their godsons biting kink this early in the morning."
> 
> *
> 
> _Kudos make me happy. Comments (even the most incomprehensible of the lot) feed my soul._


End file.
